Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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