Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Mom said you looked used
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
