I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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