Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
