u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
