I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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