If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
