I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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