When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
