i love accidental penises.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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