Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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