We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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