Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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