My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
