I wish I only lived at night.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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