I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
