Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
