is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
