im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive