I accidentally had phone sex last night
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
