This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
