you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
