she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
