addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
