I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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