saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
