he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
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Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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