Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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