my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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