Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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