No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
