i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
There's always time for handjobs
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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