hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
