The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
