i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
