Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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