how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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