New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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