thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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