I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
