Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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