he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
