our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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