Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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