tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
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