I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
