shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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