Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
