Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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