I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
We have so much sex to catch up on
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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