an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We just shotgunned beers for America
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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