Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We are two peas in an std pod
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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