Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
