Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
