I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
