there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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