I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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