...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
